Emotional Challenges for Executives, Managers and Business Owners

Partnering with Executives to Break Through Fear, Anger and other Emotional Barriers to Success

Archive for the category “Relationships”

All Work and No Play Makes Jack Really Stressed

People do not do their best work when stressed. I am a small business owner and I have my share of stress, anxiety and frustration. The economy, planning, budgets, employee training — you know the drill. Stress leads me too often to the refrigerator, too much TV and other not so productive time-wasting habits. But when I am managing stress better, I head for a picture window looking out my back yard woodland where I watch wild birds.

Feeder from Antique Barn Wood

Cardinals, Nuthatches, Finches, White Throated Sparrows, Downy Woodpeckers, Blue Birds, Titmice and more are a source of endless pleasure and relaxation. All species have their own personalities. They flit and fly and peck and eat and scratch and perch. It is true joy and peace to me. A few mornings each week I take Katie, our golden retriever, to help fill the feeders. Then I pull up a rocking chair, grab some binoculars and a few minutes before sunrise they come.

Female Pileated Woodpecker

This distraction exceeds pleasure. It is sacred time. I refuse the intrusive P&L statements, budgets and reports. I gain life perspective. This is proof that business serves life not the other way around.

As endless backyard beauty works its way into my heart, it changes me. My life has less problems and more opportunities. I am much less likely to blow up like a wheelbarrow full of explosives. Everything good seems more possible after some time with such beauty. I am grateful.  Watching birds reminds me God takes care of me. What I see at my window gives me a sense of rest and peace.

Yesterday was a real treat. I had seen the Pileated Woodpecker in the neighborhood for years but never with camera  in hand. The Pileated is a very large bird, nearly as big as its now extinct cousin the Ivory Bill Woodpecker. This morning he came to the back yard and posed for the camera as my heart leaped with excitement.

The Pileated do not come to feeders. Their food is grubs hibernating deep within dead and rotting stumps and tree limbs. Their beaks are over an inch long and are like a chisel to break apart wood to pluck grubs from within. Their pecking is like hammer shots and their “drumming” is heard from long distances.

Yesterday, stress relief was never so wonderful and complete. It was a rare and beautiful observation of this magnificent, elusive bird  even for a few minutes. I watched her tear apart the stump before spreading her 27 inch wingspan to scale the large tree. After that transforming experience the week  seems less formidable. My tasks are more attainable and the creativity needed to succeed more accessible. Thank you God for Ms. Pileated and friends. You have given me another stress relieving, perspective changing, encounter from which I will live and do my best work.

What is your “bird watching” activity?  Have you taken time in your stress reliever?Kindly share it with us.

What’s in a Word?

A word can do so much. It can beautify, improve, develop, restore, uplift, encourage, affirm and connect one person to another. A word can do so much “good.” Now there’s a word!

Rejection Won’t Kill You

Rejection — really the fear of rejection — is nearly universal. It is as irrational as it is pervasive. You are probably fearful of what people think about you. If the fear isn’t registering, all smug in your cozy cubicle office, try this. Pretend I’m your boss and I just sent you an email scheduling you to give a 30 minute presentation to a hundred of your peers one hour from now. It’s Mayhem! Has anyone died from rejection? This might kill you. It won’t, but you would rather die.

Fear of rejection begins with simple discomforting thoughts. “They might laugh at me” or “I might mess up.” In milliseconds the thought grows into a viral panic that reduces you to a stammering idiot. It takes your breath away, opens your sweat glands, disrupts digestion and makes you puke your guts. Then the most devastating tragedy. Fear of failure insulates you. You can’t feel anything at all. You can’t imagine doing anything significant, creative or daring. You cling to breath. You are soggy and heavy and whiny and ineffective. You retreat from taking any risks and hide in the status quo. You swear never again to volunteer for a challenging assignment.

Consider this. Maybe your fear is lying to you? What if things other people say about you is not all that powerful? What if you realize that they are not really saying anything critical anyway. What if you realize that you are the one shaking in your boots. You now realize that you are afraid of what they might say, not what they actually say. It’s your fear.

If it’s a lie, then you can face your fear. Walk toward the discomfort. See people not as threats of annihilation but as potential objects of your talented help. If they criticize, assume they will be filled with helpful suggestions. You find that you are overreacting. Even the worst critic is not in the same league as the devastating death spiral you are imagining.

As I write this short blog I feel the discomfort of the fear of rejection. I want to quit. I hear what you could be saying as you read. I think of the indefensible objections you will write in the “Reply” below. I feel myself limp and lifeless as you point out my mistakes. I anticipate your paralyzing potential criticism. Worst of all I dread the slow, tortuous death of being ignored.

But this time I triumph. I ignore the fear of failure. I resist. I endure the discomfort. I do not listen to my fear of rejection. I write on. I ignore what you might think or write. I courageously open myself to your criticism. And yet, I live. I shall not taste death by blog critics.

Now it’s your turn. I offer you a bit of hope and freedom for your creative inner life.  I dare you to open your mouth. Tell me what you really think. Reply with critical wrath. Spare not your words. Shout the truth in all caps. Proclaim to the world what you really care about. Write your own blog. Tell your own story. Bring your own perspective.

I may criticize you right back. But it won’t kill you.

Emotionally Charged Decision Making

It is no secret that we make most decisions on an emotional level. That is what marketing is built upon. We emotionally choose sports teams, candy at the checkout lane, a person to marry, how we motivate an employee or a child to do their homework. Many decisions are emotionally charged and the results appear potentially catastrophic. Pressured decisions often don’t turn out so well. Our daughter is not going to be homeless if she doesn’t do her homework. Harnessing our emotions and making good decisions in a pressure situation is a key to getting things done and at the same time preserving relationships.

I recently helped my son and his fiancée find and purchase a used car. They live on the east coast and totaled their vehicle while they were visiting here in the Midwest with us for the holiday. The plan was to replace the vehicle and drive the new (used) vehicle cross country the in a day or two.

Of course limited cash and time pressurized the situation. We found a car that appeared to be in great shape and made the purchase. We were out of order and didn’t check the CARFAX until after we got the car home. That was the seminal impulsive mistake. The report revealed that there were 130K more miles on the vehicle than registered on the odometer. Everyone was frantic, hurt, blaming, feeling ripped off and not a little desiring revenge and spoiling for a fight (my son is a U.S. Marine — I need not say more). Cooler heads prevailed and we did not visit the dealer at midnight and pretend it was Halloween with TP and spray paint in tow — or worse.

We attempted to negotiate a return of the vehicle. I was “lead” negotiator and was somewhat proud of myself to be able to remain calm. I was not punishing or vengeful in my tone or language.

Here are a few things I learned from this emotion packed situation that I think will help me in my pressurized business situations. Tell me how would add to the list of emotionally smart lessons. It would be great to hear your stories of success and learning about Emotionally Charged Decisions.

1. Do the homework. Get the CARFAX before closing the deal, duh! We had not adequately acknowledge the time pressure and should have planned how we would needed to know before we closed the deal. We needed to make time to make a better decision.

2. My opening negotiating position was too strong, namely to “get their money back immediately.” Better to plan time to ask more questions and allow the dealer to consider my young couple’s situation. He indicated later that he may have been more willing to work something out.

3. Write it down. I could have engaged in a sales and negotiation preparation process to gain the helicopter view. I could have written down our options on a piece of paper or spreadsheet or mind map — anything that would have slowed down the decision making process and give us more tangible feeling facts.

4. Meet the opponent face to face. I could have met with the dealer instead of  negotiating on the phone. I did resist when the dealer attempted to engage in text messaging.

5. Get good advice. I would have sought the advice of at least 2 more friends / advisors who were not lawyers itching for a fight.

6. Remain in the present. The situation was moving at lightning speed. For the most part I stayed in the present with asking more “where do we go from here” rather than dwelling on the past and how much we got ripped off.

We did find another car and they safely returned to the coast. I didn’t lose my cool. I remained respectful and open during the negotiations. I had taken a pressure tactic to get them to negotiate and would have done as well or better to simply put our dilemma in front of the dealer and hope that he would have compassion on us. In the end he has graciously offered to take the car back and will give us a full refund when the car sells.

What would you have done?

How would you attempt to negotiate?

How do you quell the emotional impulse to take revenge or use a personal attack during a negotiation.

What is your process for getting a helicopter perspective in a pressured decision making process?

Please take a moment and share an anecdote with me. I look forward to learning from your wisdom in making emotionally charged decisions.

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