Emotional Challenges for Executives, Managers and Business Owners

Partnering with Executives to Break Through Fear, Anger and other Emotional Barriers to Success

Archive for the category “Fear”

Rejection Won’t Kill You


Rejection — really the fear of rejection — is nearly universal. It is as irrational as it is pervasive. You are probably fearful of what people think about you. If the fear isn’t registering, all smug in your cozy cubicle office, try this. Pretend I’m your boss and I just sent you an email scheduling you to give a 30 minute presentation to a hundred of your peers one hour from now. It’s Mayhem! Has anyone died from rejection? This might kill you. It won’t, but you would rather die.

Fear of rejection begins with simple discomforting thoughts. “They might laugh at me” or “I might mess up.” In milliseconds the thought grows into a viral panic that reduces you to a stammering idiot. It takes your breath away, opens your sweat glands, disrupts digestion and makes you puke your guts. Then the most devastating tragedy. Fear of failure insulates you. You can’t feel anything at all. You can’t imagine doing anything significant, creative or daring. You cling to breath. You are soggy and heavy and whiny and ineffective. You retreat from taking any risks and hide in the status quo. You swear never again to volunteer for a challenging assignment.

Consider this. Maybe your fear is lying to you? What if things other people say about you is not all that powerful? What if you realize that they are not really saying anything critical anyway. What if you realize that you are the one shaking in your boots. You now realize that you are afraid of what they might say, not what they actually say. It’s your fear.

If it’s a lie, then you can face your fear. Walk toward the discomfort. See people not as threats of annihilation but as potential objects of your talented help. If they criticize, assume they will be filled with helpful suggestions. You find that you are overreacting. Even the worst critic is not in the same league as the devastating death spiral you are imagining.

As I write this short blog I feel the discomfort of the fear of rejection. I want to quit. I hear what you could be saying as you read. I think of the indefensible objections you will write in the “Reply” below. I feel myself limp and lifeless as you point out my mistakes. I anticipate your paralyzing potential criticism. Worst of all I dread the slow, tortuous death of being ignored.

But this time I triumph. I ignore the fear of failure. I resist. I endure the discomfort. I do not listen to my fear of rejection. I write on. I ignore what you might think or write. I courageously open myself to your criticism. And yet, I live. I shall not taste death by blog critics.

Now it’s your turn. I offer you a bit of hope and freedom for your creative inner life.  I dare you to open your mouth. Tell me what you really think. Reply with critical wrath. Spare not your words. Shout the truth in all caps. Proclaim to the world what you really care about. Write your own blog. Tell your own story. Bring your own perspective.

I may criticize you right back. But it won’t kill you.

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Emotionally Charged Decision Making


It is no secret that we make most decisions on an emotional level. That is what marketing is built upon. We emotionally choose sports teams, candy at the checkout lane, a person to marry, how we motivate an employee or a child to do their homework. Many decisions are emotionally charged and the results appear potentially catastrophic. Pressured decisions often don’t turn out so well. Our daughter is not going to be homeless if she doesn’t do her homework. Harnessing our emotions and making good decisions in a pressure situation is a key to getting things done and at the same time preserving relationships.

I recently helped my son and his fiancée find and purchase a used car. They live on the east coast and totaled their vehicle while they were visiting here in the Midwest with us for the holiday. The plan was to replace the vehicle and drive the new (used) vehicle cross country the in a day or two.

Of course limited cash and time pressurized the situation. We found a car that appeared to be in great shape and made the purchase. We were out of order and didn’t check the CARFAX until after we got the car home. That was the seminal impulsive mistake. The report revealed that there were 130K more miles on the vehicle than registered on the odometer. Everyone was frantic, hurt, blaming, feeling ripped off and not a little desiring revenge and spoiling for a fight (my son is a U.S. Marine — I need not say more). Cooler heads prevailed and we did not visit the dealer at midnight and pretend it was Halloween with TP and spray paint in tow — or worse.

We attempted to negotiate a return of the vehicle. I was “lead” negotiator and was somewhat proud of myself to be able to remain calm. I was not punishing or vengeful in my tone or language.

Here are a few things I learned from this emotion packed situation that I think will help me in my pressurized business situations. Tell me how would add to the list of emotionally smart lessons. It would be great to hear your stories of success and learning about Emotionally Charged Decisions.

1. Do the homework. Get the CARFAX before closing the deal, duh! We had not adequately acknowledge the time pressure and should have planned how we would needed to know before we closed the deal. We needed to make time to make a better decision.

2. My opening negotiating position was too strong, namely to “get their money back immediately.” Better to plan time to ask more questions and allow the dealer to consider my young couple’s situation. He indicated later that he may have been more willing to work something out.

3. Write it down. I could have engaged in a sales and negotiation preparation process to gain the helicopter view. I could have written down our options on a piece of paper or spreadsheet or mind map — anything that would have slowed down the decision making process and give us more tangible feeling facts.

4. Meet the opponent face to face. I could have met with the dealer instead of  negotiating on the phone. I did resist when the dealer attempted to engage in text messaging.

5. Get good advice. I would have sought the advice of at least 2 more friends / advisors who were not lawyers itching for a fight.

6. Remain in the present. The situation was moving at lightning speed. For the most part I stayed in the present with asking more “where do we go from here” rather than dwelling on the past and how much we got ripped off.

We did find another car and they safely returned to the coast. I didn’t lose my cool. I remained respectful and open during the negotiations. I had taken a pressure tactic to get them to negotiate and would have done as well or better to simply put our dilemma in front of the dealer and hope that he would have compassion on us. In the end he has graciously offered to take the car back and will give us a full refund when the car sells.

What would you have done?

How would you attempt to negotiate?

How do you quell the emotional impulse to take revenge or use a personal attack during a negotiation.

What is your process for getting a helicopter perspective in a pressured decision making process?

Please take a moment and share an anecdote with me. I look forward to learning from your wisdom in making emotionally charged decisions.

Sinking My Chops Into My Life Resolutions


I used to hate New Year Resolutions. They were little more than a repository for guilt and shame. I would take a few of the regrets from the year before and half heartedly “hope” to do better next year. 2012 is a new year and I am a new businessman.I hereby make some resolutions I can commit to. I will get past the vague, guilty resolution stage and will get something done.

My model for these resolutions is from my most inspiring new read, Linchpin by Seth Godin. Even before the new year I have been executing with a new sense of destiny. Some of his suggestions are the basis of my new year (and new life) strategy. This is a “planning” model rather than a “hopeful resolution” failure waiting to happen model.

1. I will be creative. To find one idea that works you have to have a “slough of laughable ideas” (Godin). I now keep track of my ideas no matter how laughable they are. I put them in Mindjet’s MindManager software. It is a great visual strategic planning tool. My business coach, Maxie Carpenter, (http://www.maxiecarpenter.com/) put me on to MindManager a few years ago. Now, all my ideas on the Idea Map for processing. They will either find their way to a successful action or be reduced to the Laughable Idea Archive.

2. I will get something done. I am vague here not because I don’t wish to share all my Map of Laughable Ideas (I’m not afraid of your ridicule — well maybe a little) but because this resolution is about execution. Doing anything is better than hiding my ideas in fear. I am going to execute. This particular blog is one of my laughable ideas. I wrote down on my Map that I wanted to share my wisdom to help others in an Executive Coaching format.The first step toward making a difference is a blog. I put Executive Emotional Support Blog in my schedule and here it is. You may still think it is laughable. Since I don’t think it laughable any more I moved it from the Slough of Laughable Ideas Map to the Execute the Idea Map. It is OK if you chuckle. 

3. I will not see myself as a failure.  According to Godin, “People don’t fail, projects do.” Therefore I will not allow thoughts of personal failure to linger. If something goes wrong or gets hard, I will believe that I did not fail, the project failed. I will do a postmortem, learn from the endeavor, evaluate, try again or deep six that idea and pick another from my slough of laughable ideas.

4. I will repeat Resolutions 1, 2 and 3 continually.

So there it is. I fully commit to these 4 resolutions: I will maintain and continually add to my slough of ideas. I will execute the least laughable of my ideas. I will see failure in terms of projects, not my personal identity. Most of all, I will not give up. I will keep having ideas, planning and executing. I am excited to sink my chops into these resolutions.

Paralyzing Fear


Perhaps you don’t experience it as “fear,” e.g. heart palpitations, shortness of breath, fight or flight, but there are fears that can keep you in your creativity wheelchair. These fears prevent your outstanding ideas from getting onto the drafting table and into production.  Fear is essentially a though process that evaluates the likelihood of discomfort and pain in a future endeavor.  It can take the form of “realism” that essentially restricts your attempts at a project until it “feels” like a sure thing. It may also take the “voice” of a significant person in your life, e.g. a boss, board, spouse, friend or parent, that you hear in your own mind but as if you are having a conversation with them and having to defend yourself (usually unsuccessfully) against their criticism. Either way the fears are subtle and powerful enough to stop your remarkably creative ideas from seeing the light of day. Cancel your fear. Get out of the wheelchair of fear and walk toward the criticism. Endure the discomfort, ignore the voices and take the next step toward making a difference.

You are a Remarkable Executive


You are remarkable you want to do remarkable things. Especially if you are an executive, manager or business owner, you know you are remarkable. The ideas you have could change the world or perhaps your small part of the world. If executed, your remarkable ideas could improve the lives of many people. When you are creative and hatching ideas, you are experiencing your remarkable self at work. You hope to be unique and brilliant. You strive to find solutions that nobody else can see.

So where are your remarkable solutions, products or relationships? Average executives deliver a small fraction of their brilliance. If you are remarkable then why haven’t you changed the world? How frustrating! Perhaps it starts with a certain discomfort with “feeling” remarkable. It may be true but there is a tremendous self doubt about your ability to actually succeed.

The measure most use to prove their brilliance is the approval of others. Most executives and business owners think they must get “them,” whoever “they” are, to confirm that they are remarkable. Until “they” approve the project you will not believe you are remarkable.

Worry plagues executives. You worry if “they are impressed” or if they even notice. You look over your shoulder. You question yourself. You second guess. You fear criticism. You over-manage. You under-manage. You compromise your brilliance because you know that to be remarkable means you have to confront your fears and take risks.

The alternative to accomplishing remarkable things is to hide in the status quo. Feelings of disappointment drive you to “prove” your right to your position by falling in line, stacking up favorable reviews marked with “have met or exceeded expectations” securing another review period of security within your profession. You don’t make waves and continue to work within the parameters of your job description so you can live to work another day. You subjugate your remarkable ideas to the pressures making waves would create. You stay in your seat and do what you are told. You have proven that you can follow the rules but you have done nothing remarkable.

The status quo frustrates your brilliance. You have great ideas. You can change the world. But your fears stop you. You feel it is impossible to “prove” that you are brilliant. You must make them see how remarkable you are before you will believe it yourself. That will simply not work. There is no practical benefit to attempting to prove to others how remarkable or important you are by getting your audience to agree with you. That is manipulation not brilliance.

You, like most people, do just that. You don’t make your move because “they” might criticize your remarkable idea. An epic emotional conflict is fought inside you every day. Your brilliance fights your fear of failure. You lose your epic emotional conflict and euthanize your idea and bury your creativity.

Most of your brilliant ideas go down the bathtub drain, are left in bed, shower stall, gym or car where they hatched. They never find a notepad, mind map or conversation. Remarkable ideas begin to take shape when you write them down or share them with someone else. Brilliance does not shine when you put it in a closet. It must have free open space to spread and grow and become useful.

You bury your ideas because they present a threat. If you give them room, they will grow and take on lives of their own. You will eventually have to share the ideas with “them.” If “they” see your idea they might try to kill it with a laugh, snicker or worst of all die the death when “they” ignore or neglect what you have nurtured into existence. Criticism hurts. You would rather not hurt so you bury your ideas.

Who are “they” anyway?

“They” might have names, but most of “them” are anonymous. “They” have no address. “They” were not hired to keep you accountable or to keep your ideas in check.  “They” aren’t even real.

“They” are really the voices in your own head.  The negative fearful voices you hear when considering a brilliant idea are really your own fears. Your fears disguise themselves as others’ voices. Your fears stop you because you perceive danger if you step step outside the status quo. Your fear says (in “their” voice) that “you will make a fool of yourself” or “you will fail” or “it will hurt if you try.”. Your fear wants you believe you have no choice but to flush the idea and just do what you are told.

Occasionally you will fight through your fear of failure and put your idea on the drawing board. You write it down. You share it with a friend. You the nagging voices until you nurture your project to the prototype stage. Then a new fearful panic hits you like a tidal wave.

This time the voices will scream that there is extreme danger. They will plead with you to pull the plug on a project prematurely, stop the launch of a new product, see obstacles as insurmountable, paralyze you from executing efficiently, effectively or courageously.  Your remarkable plans are stillborn or linger on indecisive life support because your fears make you second guess and not allow you to put your full faith and effort into the project. All engines stop at its most vulnerable stage. Your fears try to convince you that it is too dangerous to proceed.

You may be one of the few who presses through and develops the prototype. Your voices introduce an even more sinister kind of fear. The voices subtly whisper, “Success is even more dangerous than failure.”

Seth Godin suggests in his book, Linchpin, that you may fear success because after you have succeeded once, you must “succeed again.” You hear “them” saying you are a “one win wonder.” You worry that you will not be able to keep up your image as a “champion.” Your fears warn you that the fall from the pedestal is exceedingly more painful than the fall from the ground. Climbing higher is way too risky.

If you push through the fear of success you will finally see your idea in full production. You have exercised your remarkable brilliance. You have succeeded in conquering your fear. You got your idea to the drafting table. You ignored the voices to enter the development process. You believed in spite of the others’ criticism and built a prototype. You went for broke and put the idea into full production where all could see and you saw it to the end.

What if it did not meet market projections? What if it was a financial loss? What if the customer did not buy it? Does that mean you are not remarkable?

No — a thousand times no. You are remarkable and brilliant. There are a thousand reasons why it may have not been approved by others or been successful in the market place. But you did not fail. Your project failed. If you continue to apply your brilliance and produce remarkable solutions to whatever ails the project it can still make a difference and help people. The alternative is that your brilliance can realize there is a better place to expend your energy. It is simple better to focus your effort into the next remarkable project hatched not so long ago in the shower. You continue to change the world because you are a remarkable executive.

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